Forever Butthurt

“Why didn’t you just walk up the other side?” -Most reasonable people

What is she even doing up there?

What is she even doing up there?

Well, I sure don’t know! It is hard to explain, or even justify bouldering as a sport, much less something to dedicate your life to. Somewhere, in every climber brain, there is a rationalization for the obsession, and it’s just hanging out at a party, talking about postmodernism, and not caring if you care. This rationalization lives in the corner of the mind where good things happen to good people, polar bears are soft, and the internet wants you to win free laptops. It doesn’t need you, but it knows you need it.

Would you like to hear my rationalization?

Oh, it’s healthy! Bouldering is puzzle-solving that connects both mind and body in a unique exercise. It takes me to weird places in nature, and helps me meet new friends. Other, more famous climbers have given even sappier explanations. Sure, ascending the rock is a spiritual journey, if that’s even a thing. I totally connect with nature too, we’re BFFs, we have a secret language so mom can’t understand what we’re talking about on the phone. Seriously though, the truth is I just like it. It’s fun. Which is good, because bouldering is dumb.

You don’t think so? Put a donut on top of your boulder when you are about to send it and see what happens.

Did a dog eat it? Yes, a dog did eat it.

This climb was originally called Anorexic Sacrifice, which has nothing to do with why I didn’t eat that donut. Pretty butthurt over here, guys.

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